This entry has nothing to
do with my time in Africa and may not make complete sense to my non-horsey
friends, but feel free to read on anyways. The bond between a horse and their
person is truly a unique one, and I needed to express and process my grief, and
I have found that one of the most therapeutic ways for me to do that is in
writing.
On Sunday I had to make the
hardest decision of my life so far. I had to decide to let my soul mate go. I
will never shake the memory of standing by myself outside of the O.R. with the
surgeon, hearing my options, none of which were good. I could try a surgical
‘hail mary’ that was very costly and involved a ton of post op complications-
the main one being that we may wake my boy up only to have him in exponentially
more pain than when we put him under for surgery, and we would have to put him
down on the spot, his final memory being agonizing pain… the best case scenario
would entail him being prone to colic and likely having to be put down due to
colic in the future, since he would no longer be a surgical candidate due to
scar tissue and adhesions. On top of that, there was a high likelihood that he
would always feel some discomfort when eating… which is the better part of his
life. And all of this is only if he beats the 30% odds that he would even leave
the hospital. So I stood by myself with the surgeon while my beloved horse lay
open on a surgical table in the next room, and I asked him what he would do, if
this were his horse, and he loved that horse with every fiber of his being.
With tears in his eyes, he told me that he would let him go. That these
magnificent animals depend on us for their well-being and that they trust us to
do the right thing; that the fair thing to do would be to protect him from any
more pain.
My mind shot back to our
hasty arrival at the clinic. To standing with my surprisingly calm horse who
stuck his nose in his favorite crook of my arm. And who was shaking incredibly
hard. When I asked the vet why he was shaking like that, she put a gentle hand
on my shoulder, and said ‘Because he is in pain’. I knew what I had to do. I could
not see him hurt like that again; it broke my heart. We called my mom and
explained what was happening, and she asked me what I wanted to do. I told her
that what I wanted to do was anything that would bring my sweet boy back to me,
that might give me more precious years with this animal that had brought me so
much joy and had seen me through so many difficult times. But I told her I was
selfish, and that my love for my Charlie horse told me that for once I needed
to be unselfish, and while I did not WANT to let him go, I NEEDED to. He had
given me so much, and now it was my turn to give him what he needed, and
deserved. Peace, and freedom from pain that would follow him the rest of his
life, as long or short as that might have been. The Chronicle of the Horse
shared a blog by Molly Sorge about a month ago, and here is an excerpt that
nearly perfectly describes what I was thinking and feeling in that extremely
difficult moment:
"It’s one of the few
times in my life when I quite literally don’t know what to do. What I do know
is that I feel the weight of making the right decision for this horse very
heavily. This is the price we pay for the joy of those crisp fall morning hacks
when all is right with the world."
The price for all of the
joy and sweet memories that Charlie has given me is the grief and void I have
to endure now that he is gone. But I would not trade it, any of it. I will
always have a Charlie shaped hole in my heart, but I also have life lessons and
great stories and wonderful memories that he has given me and that can never be
taken from me. He was truly a once in a lifetime horse- he was a constant
companion, a fierce competitor, a patient teacher, and my best friend. Charlie
was my greatest escape- no matter what I was struggling with in any given
season of my life; I knew that I could always spend time with my Char Char. He
had this uncanny ability to solve all of my problems, even if it was just for a
few hours.
We had an unconditional
love for one another. He tolerated my leaving the country for long periods of
time and patiently awaited my return. He forgave so many mistakes that I made
while riding and took care of me like I have never experienced before. I would
always call him “Saint Charlie”. He loved me despite my many faults. I loved
him because of his. Most people called him the ‘grumpy old man’ even though he
was not actually old. He would nip and kick and be kind of a jerk on the
ground. But I loved his quirks and his huge personality. I loved that he always
had an opinion about everything and he always expressed it. I loved that in
complete contrast to his normal behavior, he would cuddle with me and always
want to be as close to me as possible. I got Charlie at a very pivotal time in
my life; a time when I could devote part of every day to him, I could teach him
everything I knew and he did the same in turn. He was with me through some of
my happiest times, my deepest heartbreaks, and my scariest transitions. We had
an unshakeable bond. It is hard to know that I will never have that again with
any other horse. I will never have those experiences again, and therefore I
will not rely on my trusted horse companion as much as I did on him. Char came
into my life at the perfect time, and to be honest, there would never have come
a perfect time for him to leave it. He could have lived another 15 years, and I
would be equally as heartbroken. He was a gift. God gave him to me, and now God
has called him home.
As hard as Sunday was, it
was a blessing that I was there with him every step of the way. From the moment
he started to get uncomfortable to the moment he took his final breath, his mom
was with him. I will never forget how difficult and heartbreaking it was to see
him hurting, but I am so glad that I got to be the one who never left his side.
He spent his life teaching me about love, patience, self-control, selflessness,
generosity, and sacrifice. As silly as it may sound, he taught me about God’s
love for me, and what unconditional love looks like here on earth. I can never
repay him for the woman he has helped me become.
I will always love you,
Char Char, and I will carry you with me, in my heart and soul.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his good purpose."
~Romans 8:28
