On Loss...

This entry has nothing to do with my time in Africa and may not make complete sense to my non-horsey friends, but feel free to read on anyways. The bond between a horse and their person is truly a unique one, and I needed to express and process my grief, and I have found that one of the most therapeutic ways for me to do that is in writing.

On Sunday I had to make the hardest decision of my life so far. I had to decide to let my soul mate go. I will never shake the memory of standing by myself outside of the O.R. with the surgeon, hearing my options, none of which were good. I could try a surgical ‘hail mary’ that was very costly and involved a ton of post op complications- the main one being that we may wake my boy up only to have him in exponentially more pain than when we put him under for surgery, and we would have to put him down on the spot, his final memory being agonizing pain… the best case scenario would entail him being prone to colic and likely having to be put down due to colic in the future, since he would no longer be a surgical candidate due to scar tissue and adhesions. On top of that, there was a high likelihood that he would always feel some discomfort when eating… which is the better part of his life. And all of this is only if he beats the 30% odds that he would even leave the hospital. So I stood by myself with the surgeon while my beloved horse lay open on a surgical table in the next room, and I asked him what he would do, if this were his horse, and he loved that horse with every fiber of his being. With tears in his eyes, he told me that he would let him go. That these magnificent animals depend on us for their well-being and that they trust us to do the right thing; that the fair thing to do would be to protect him from any more pain.

My mind shot back to our hasty arrival at the clinic. To standing with my surprisingly calm horse who stuck his nose in his favorite crook of my arm. And who was shaking incredibly hard. When I asked the vet why he was shaking like that, she put a gentle hand on my shoulder, and said ‘Because he is in pain’. I knew what I had to do. I could not see him hurt like that again; it broke my heart. We called my mom and explained what was happening, and she asked me what I wanted to do. I told her that what I wanted to do was anything that would bring my sweet boy back to me, that might give me more precious years with this animal that had brought me so much joy and had seen me through so many difficult times. But I told her I was selfish, and that my love for my Charlie horse told me that for once I needed to be unselfish, and while I did not WANT to let him go, I NEEDED to. He had given me so much, and now it was my turn to give him what he needed, and deserved. Peace, and freedom from pain that would follow him the rest of his life, as long or short as that might have been. The Chronicle of the Horse shared a blog by Molly Sorge about a month ago, and here is an excerpt that nearly perfectly describes what I was thinking and feeling in that extremely difficult moment:

"It’s one of the few times in my life when I quite literally don’t know what to do. What I do know is that I feel the weight of making the right decision for this horse very heavily. This is the price we pay for the joy of those crisp fall morning hacks when all is right with the world."

The price for all of the joy and sweet memories that Charlie has given me is the grief and void I have to endure now that he is gone. But I would not trade it, any of it. I will always have a Charlie shaped hole in my heart, but I also have life lessons and great stories and wonderful memories that he has given me and that can never be taken from me. He was truly a once in a lifetime horse- he was a constant companion, a fierce competitor, a patient teacher, and my best friend. Charlie was my greatest escape- no matter what I was struggling with in any given season of my life; I knew that I could always spend time with my Char Char. He had this uncanny ability to solve all of my problems, even if it was just for a few hours.

We had an unconditional love for one another. He tolerated my leaving the country for long periods of time and patiently awaited my return. He forgave so many mistakes that I made while riding and took care of me like I have never experienced before. I would always call him “Saint Charlie”. He loved me despite my many faults. I loved him because of his. Most people called him the ‘grumpy old man’ even though he was not actually old. He would nip and kick and be kind of a jerk on the ground. But I loved his quirks and his huge personality. I loved that he always had an opinion about everything and he always expressed it. I loved that in complete contrast to his normal behavior, he would cuddle with me and always want to be as close to me as possible. I got Charlie at a very pivotal time in my life; a time when I could devote part of every day to him, I could teach him everything I knew and he did the same in turn. He was with me through some of my happiest times, my deepest heartbreaks, and my scariest transitions. We had an unshakeable bond. It is hard to know that I will never have that again with any other horse. I will never have those experiences again, and therefore I will not rely on my trusted horse companion as much as I did on him. Char came into my life at the perfect time, and to be honest, there would never have come a perfect time for him to leave it. He could have lived another 15 years, and I would be equally as heartbroken. He was a gift. God gave him to me, and now God has called him home.

As hard as Sunday was, it was a blessing that I was there with him every step of the way. From the moment he started to get uncomfortable to the moment he took his final breath, his mom was with him. I will never forget how difficult and heartbreaking it was to see him hurting, but I am so glad that I got to be the one who never left his side. He spent his life teaching me about love, patience, self-control, selflessness, generosity, and sacrifice. As silly as it may sound, he taught me about God’s love for me, and what unconditional love looks like here on earth. I can never repay him for the woman he has helped me become.

I will always love you, Char Char, and I will carry you with me, in my heart and soul. 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his good purpose."

~Romans 8:28

Homesick for Adventures in Africa...

I have been home from Lesotho for over 4 months now, but the lessons that God began to teach me in that beautiful mountain kingdom are still very much ongoing. I have been so homesick for Africa lately. I have been looking for jobs and struggling because I have no idea what I want to do with my life or where God wants me in this next season. God used Lesotho- getting over there, serving there, and now coming home to the U.S.- to teach me how to ‘fear not’. I have not always considered myself to be an anxious person, but for some reason I have noticed that I tend to have a lot of fear about my future- namely things that are completely out of my control. What job should I get? Who will I marry? What is my 5/10/25 year plan? And the list of questions and worries goes on.

A few months ago I was told by a dear friend that I was “not the least hard-headed of God’s children”. If that’s not the Truth spoken in love I don’t know what is. And it got me thinking. If God is all-powerful and omniscient, why did he create me to be so prone to anxiety? He could have made me so much more faithful and much less fearful. Even if he had originally designed me this way, he is the ultimate healer and redeemer, so why can’t he just fix me? I kept crying out for more faith and less worry. I was so tired of being anxious. And then I realized that God HAD been healing me. It’s a long- and slow, painfully slow!- process, but I have been changing.  Like my friend had implied, I was being taught the same lesson over and over again, it was just taking a while to stick.

This led me back to wrestling with the issue of why God creates us with innate weaknesses when he has the power to eradicate them before we even come into existence. Today I had an interesting thought. Perhaps God is struck by a moment of inspiration when it comes to creating each and every one of us. In that instant he can still see our future sin and brokenness, as he is knitting us together in our mother’s womb and numbering the hairs on our head, but he is already so in love with us that he can’t bear to change a thing about us. Plus, he knows that in our deepest moments of brokenness, our sin and inadequacies will be what ultimately draw us nearest to him. While he will hurt when he sees us in pain, his longing to be close to his beloved and to reveal himself to us balances his grief. He does not need to be needed, but I think that God wants us to need him because it is his great joy to take us by the hand and lead us out of danger/fear/turmoil and lead us to a place of rest.

As I look back on some of the challenges that I have faced over the past couple of years, I now realize that I am grateful for my shortcomings because they have radically changed my faith and how I view my relationship with Christ. Just because God has me in a place of waiting, my current lack of direction doesn’t mean that he has forgotten me or that he doesn’t have a plan or purpose for me. It simply means that he is allowing me to rest. My prayer for the past few years has been ‘Send me!’ but now I think it’s more appropriate for it to be ‘Stay with me.’ Because wherever I am, I want God to be also, and I believe that‘s been his desire all along. I will definitely be adding this to my ‘life lessons from Lesotho’. I miss that little country and all of my loved ones in it; I will never again take for granted the privilege that it was to live and serve there. It was an invaluable time in my life and I hope and pray that I get back there someday soon :)

"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance: character; and character: hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." 

~Romans 5: 2-5

the best adventures...

After nearly 18 months in Africa, I have made some really wonderful memories; it makes it really hard to leave. I just wanted to share some of them with you all as I look back on my time here and prepare to head home :o)

Thursday night dinner/game nights with Donna, Allan, Kristen, Kerrina, Tamara, Danger, and Joshua.

Thanksgiving with some of my favorite Australians.

Going on vacation, being introduced to Clarens, Tempelhof Lion Park, and having Jo-burg adventures.

Team time at Living Life Cafe... pretty much every week.

Black tie events... thank you Vodacom ;o)

Creating the art therapy studios with Chase.

Easter dinner spent at Beautiful Gate Orphanage with the volunteers followed by a game of Redneck Life.

Manicure time with my residents.

Lazy summer afternoons spent at the pool. And summer here lasts for a solid 6 months. It is glorious.

The best day ever: gym, brunch at Living Life, Tempelhof Lion Park, and the Ficksburg Cherry Festival... 

Highly entertaining conversations over dinner at the Lout household... two words: save sacks.

Cousin reunion 2012: safari's, sushi, and small-ish lions.

Watching "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" with our residents- they LOVE that movie.

Durban with two of my favorite friends here.

Helping to start Victory Church Maseru, and getting to know our wonderful pastors- Monddy and Wilson.

Horseback riding in the mountain kingdom.

Two weekends in Semongkong, on one of which I repelled down a 206 meter waterfall. It is the longest commercial abseil in the world.

Snuggling with the BDS babies/kids.

Setting off fireworks at sunset at Lancer's Gap.

My final weekend here has also been filled with wonderful memories- a spa afternoon at Cranberry Cottage, dinner and a movie (Gatsby in 3D) in Bloemfontein, and a team afternoon in Clarens- a great little resort town in South Africa, and some upcoming dinners with good friends. It is so bittersweet to leave here- I have come to love so many people and I dread the good-byes...

So these are roughly 20 of my favorite memories from the past year and a half... and I am sure that I am leaving out so many more. Please continue to pray for me as I face this next transition and seek God's will for the next chapter of my life. I am still struggling with a lot of fear, and of course the sadness surrounding the closing of this season. Pray for the good-byes that I now have to say- pray that God is in them and that they will be healthy and that He works them for good, especially for my residents. 

I have so many fond memories of the people and places here, and I am so privileged to have had the opportunity to serve in this wonderful country. These next weeks will be hard, but I trust that they will be good. I am so excited to see family and friends at home, and I look forward to what God has for me next. After all, the Lord always promises better things; I will write this verse on my heart, just as I did when I left to come here. It still holds true, as God's word always does:

"But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned. Even though we speak like this, dear friends, we are convinced of better things in your case—the things that have to do with salvation. God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them."

~Hebrews 6: 8-10

A belated update on the adventure

I know that it has been a while since my last post... nearly 3 months if you want to get technical. A lot has happened- some really amazing things that bring such joy to my heart and life, and some really heartbreaking things that I will probably never talk about in a blog post. I have, in fact, been writing a lot lately- but they are musings that are better left for myself and for God. However, I do want to share a few things and ask for some prayer:

In the past few months, we have welcomed many new residents into our program. They are light and joy, and my time with them restores my soul. As per our confidentiality restraints I cannot give any specific details of their cases, but suffice it to say that they have suffered under the worst, most fallen conditions of humanity and the Lord is slowly, graciously redeeming and restoring them. Please pray for this amazing work that God is doing in their lives and that they continue to heal from the trauma that they have survived. It is such a privilege and a blessing to be a part of their journeys here and I will miss them all more than words can say...

My time here in Lesotho is winding down. I leave Lesotho on May 22nd, I fly out of Johannesburg May 23rd, and I arrive in Chicago on May 24th. I miss my family and cannot wait to spend the summer with them, but I am not ready to leave here. I am never ready for good-byes, actually. So I am dreading the last hugs and conversations that I will be having in two short weeks. I am going to miss the people of this beautiful mountain kingdom called Lesotho. 

I do not know what is next for me, and I need prayer for discernment and guidance. My future is completely up-in-the-air once again, and I have been battling with fear and anxiety surrounding what I am supposed to do and where I am supposed to go. I am remaining open to coming back to Lesotho in September (I will be nannying for the summer) but I am also praying about staying in the U.S. and either getting a job in Chicago or moving down to Oklahoma City to help BDS open the shelter there... and as always I am open to God sending me to yet another country. I have felt the many prayers and I have gratefully received the words of support and encouragement this past year and a half, so thank you to all of you who have been following this great adventure of mine! You are so very appreciated. xx

"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

~Luke 12: 32-34

Because love is the greatest adventure of all

Yesterday we had a wonderful Valentine's day with our residents- we got them a few little gifts (very mama-jo-esque- my mom is famous for her sweet, thoughtful little somethings for each holiday and occasion), baked cupcakes, and watched a movie. It was a great opportunity to love our girls and spend some quality time with them. We welcomed a new short-term resident last night as well. She will likely only be staying with us for a few days before she returns home, but we feel very blessed to be a part of her healing journey. She will hopefully continue with outpatient services, as our outpatient program is officially up and running! I am very excited and encouraged by this as it was one of my 3 goals for my second stint here. Also, the art therapy studios are nearing completion, so I will post photos of them we they are finished! I have loved working on these projects and I am confident that I will finish my 'to do' list before I head home in May.

In other news, during our team devotional yesterday we talked about love and I wanted to share a quote from the daily devotional I have been going through:

"It is vital that we remember Paul's exhortation to speak to people's hearts. We do this by being honest and open with them. We need not impress them with our great knowledge; we need only touch them with our love." (See 1 Timothy 1: 5-7)

This has challenged me to continue to approach people in love, rather than having an agenda or wanting to get my point across. It has to become less important for me to be right, and more important for me to show people that I love them, care about them, am invested in their life/future. It is a humbling experience to acknowledge that I fall short of loving others the way that God wants me to. I have been put in a position of leadership here, and this is an area in which I need a lot of prayer for growth and increase. The weight of the responsibility of leadership has been weighing heavily on me, especially as I prepare to 'pass the torch' to other missionaries when I go home in May. I will leave you with one final profound thought that was shared with me by Pastor Mark Crow (the husband of Pastor Jennifer Crow, who founded Beautiful Dream Society) on one of his visits here: "As a leader, it is more important to care about making things right than to care about being right." This is to be my motto for the rest of my time here... and hopefully the rest of my life. Thank you for your prayers- please keep them coming!

"Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us.

~1 John 4:11-12

All sorts of new adventures

It has been a busy three weeks back here in Lesotho! Shortly after I arrived, we took in a new resident and her 7 month-old son for a brief period while we helped her get settled back with her family and begin counseling. She came to know the Lord at church one Sunday, and I just got a call from her today letting me know that she wants to continue to attend Victory Maseru and pursue a personal relationship with God. I am so excited for her and for this new journey of healing that she has had the courage to begin! Here is a note that she wrote to me, Sonya, and Cristen before she headed home:

Another exciting development involves a new partnership with Beautiful Dream Society. We have to keep the name of our partnering organization confidential in order to protect their ministry/work, but they have an amazing street ministry that goes out at night and ministers and serves women sold into prostitution in South Africa. BDS just finalized our memorandum of understanding so we can start taking some of the Basotho (Lesotho citizens) girls into our care. Many of them have become addicted to drugs as a result of working on the streets, so our other psychologist, Miriam, and I are heading to a rehab center this afternoon to see how we can join forces with them to help these girls break their addictions and begin to heal from the trauma they have endured. First, the girls will have to make the difficult decision to get off of the streets- often times the pimps brainwash them, threaten them, and feed their addictions, making them scared and hesitant to leave and get help. However, the organization we are working with has already built rapport with many of the girls and they are optimistic about the scope of help and care we will be able to offer them. We are looking forward to this opportunity to serve more victims of human trafficking and sexual trauma; please pray for these girls as they make the terrifying decision to break the chains of their oppressors and reclaim their freedom! 

My final new adventure is a more personal one. Some of you know that when I first came to Lesotho in 2010 I met several missionaries from around the world and became good friends with a few of them. One of them was an Australian named Justin, and we began dating while we were both living here last year. He has since returned to Australia after a 4 year stint here setting up his own NGO- Farming Futures, which is an agricultural initiative to fight hunger and increase work skills amongst local villagers. While I was home for Christmas, I worked like crazy and saved up and now I will hopefully be going to Oz for three weeks at the end of this month to see Justin and meet his family! Please pray for safe travel, cheap flights, and that I will be able to live within my very tight budget until I come home :o) Speaking of which, I am planning on coming home at the end of May to work for the summer (nannying for the twins!) and then I will possibly be moving back here to Lesotho, moving to Oklahoma to help BDS start a shelter there, or staying put in Chicago- I will be praying about it and will be open to going wherever God sends me. (And, yes, Justin is planning on visiting the States this summer, so many of you will probably get to meet him in person ;o) ) Thank you all for your prayers, your financial support, and your words of encouragement- they are much appreciated!

"However, as it is written: 'No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him' but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit."

~1 Corinthians 2: 9-10

and the adventure continues...

I have returned to the beautiful KoL (Kingdom of Lesotho) and it has brought me such joy to see 'my girls' (our residents) thriving and continuing to pursue their dreams and the plans that God has for them. I hit the ground running as soon as I got here, and I have loved getting to spend the past couple of days in the shelter with the residents, catching up on all that happened while I was away. Our two residents in college just sat for their first semester exams and have headed home on a short three week break to see their family; our newest resident has resumed her diploma program and has such a joy and light about her; one of our other international residents has moved into her own apartment on one of our properties and is working hard on the sewing project; and one of our young mama's is excelling at her internship (they love and appreciate her so much that they have asked me if she can come more than just a couple of days per week!) and her 3 year old daughter is talking and interacting more than ever before! As difficult as it was to leave my family, friends, and horse behind and get on a plane to come back here, these women make it more than worth it.

Please continue to pray for each one of our residents- that the opportunities would keep coming for them to achieve their goals, that they would continue to heal from the ordeals they suffered, and that they would feel loved, safe, and cared for. Please pray for my funding, that it will sustain me through the end of May. Also pray for my social support system here- several of my friends and fellow missionaries have gone home, and I miss them all terribly and am already feeling the loss of their encouragement and support. I still have wonderful team members on the ground here as well as local friends and other missionaries, but it's still hard to say good-bye to much loved friends! Thank you all for reading this blog, for praying, and for caring about me, the residents, and the work we are doing here! 

'"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you."'

~Jeremiah 29: 11-12